James' World 2

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You’re lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to cars go by. You have no idea how long you have been like this, but it must be a few hours, at least. Go to sleep, you tell yourself. Just close your eyes and: Go. To. Sleep. You shut your eyes tight, force your body to relax, and wait for the blissful slumber to come. But, nothing happens. More minutes pass and… nothing happens. It’s 3 a.m., and you’re still staring at the ceiling.

We have all been in this situation. Try as we might, it is nearly impossible to consciously will yourself to sleep. Sleep comes to those who let their mind wander and focus on anything other than sleep itself. Count sheep, control your breathing, listen to an audiobook, or whatever — so long as it turns your mind from wanting to sleep.

This is a common and familiar example of the “law of reversed effort.”

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In grade school, I was taught that learning came from studious labor, the discipline of memorization, and retention of facts.

I carried this same mindset with me into college and later into my first job as a junior programmer. 

It wasn’t until years later when I became an entrepreneur that I came across a quote by author Josh Waitzkin that completely changed my perspective. “The key to pursuing excellence is to embrace an organic, long-term learning process, and not to live in a shell of static, safe mediocrity,” he wrote. “Usually, growth comes at the expense of previous comfort or safety.”

Since that epiphanous moment, I’ve established several practices to help me improve my ability to learn that I’d like to share with you.

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Step Out

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Some of those missteps were probably due to spectacular miscalculations. Maybe you thought the market for that product was bigger, or that potential romantic partner saner. Others may be caused by clear personal weakness. You know you should quit your safe job to run your startup full time but just can’t face your mom. But how many weren’t due to any decision at all really? You just drifted one mindless potato chip or time-wasting Instagram scroll at a time into a life that doesn’t match your aspirations? 

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Photo: Getty Images

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Watching charm in action is like watching a good dancer. There’s style, control, and an effortless rhythm. That charming, likable person seemingly knows the right thing to say and do at the right moment. While captivating to watch, the display can induce jealously because it can seem like it’s an innate talent that a person either has or doesn’t possess.

But that’s not the case. Anyone can learn how to be charming. And when wielded well, charm is not the bastion of other people and the goal is not something other-worldly. In fact, the end result is actually pretty basic and applies to every relationship: to make someone feel good.

“You make the other person feel understood, valued, and loved,” says Sonja Lyubomirsky, professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, and author of The How of Happiness. “It feels very obvious but it’s a very powerful idea.”

While charm is certainly a skill and might come easier to some — i.e. the extroverted — it doesn’t require being well-read or witty. True charm is about being present and interested in what another person has to say. Does it require effort? Like anything with a payoff, it does. But the good news is that there’s nothing definite that has to be done, although the following tips can help.

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Getty/Thomas Barwick

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