James' World 2

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The question Despite having no issues in my marriage, I’m pretty sure I’m entering into the preparatory stages of a highly destructive affair. I’m a man in my 40s with a loving wife and four young children. We have a good sex life (considering we’ve been together 10 years) and wonderful conversations.

Thanks in no small part to her, I’m now at a point where I have a great job in a large company. But all this is threatened. I’m certain a member of my team – “V”, in her early 30s – and I have become infatuated with each other. We haven’t done anything physical (unless you count one drunken night where our knees touched for about half an hour) nor expressly discussed it. I’m sure that this is not me simply misreading the signs. She has told me I make her want to tell me things that she’s never discussed with anybody. I’m aware that the dopamine hits I get from V are a simple addiction that is naturally self-reinforcing, but nevertheless, things seem to be getting more intense.

I know my behavior is a cliché of a man of my age. I have no intention of leaving my wife or cheating on her. I don’t think I should talk to my wife about V. It might make her feel insecure. I also don’t see it as sensible to have a direct conversation with V. My plan is to carry on as usual, but have a drunken conversation with V littered with how much I love my wife. The only other solution I can see is to start actively looking for other jobs.

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‘I hope, one day you will be able to be open with your wife about all this.’ Photograph: MangoStar_Studio/Getty Images/iStockphoto

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Grieving is hard and complicated after a loss, but some people may find themselves dealing with anticipatory grief, which is grief that comes before a loss. Anticipatory grief can happen in situations such as when a friend or family member has been diagnosed with a terminal illness—when a loss is known to be coming, but it hasn’t happened yet.

Why anticipatory grief can be so complicated 

Although anticipatory grief happens in situations where the impending loss is known and expected, it still prompts a complicated grieving process—one that can be every bit as hard as the actual loss itself. It’s the uncertainty of being in this in-between state, where there’s still hope that the loss might not happen or optimism about finding closure in a relationship that makes anticipatory grief so complicated.

“Even though you might expect it, it still feels unexpected, no matter how much we feel like we’ve had time to prepare for it,” said Alexandra Cromer, a licensed professional counselor with Thriveworks. “It’s almost like there are multiple deaths or multiple grieving periods.”

For example, if a person is caring for a parent with dementia, there’s the grieving period associated with the loss of their mental capabilities, which is then followed by the grieving period associated with the loss of their physical presence. “There is never uncomplicated grief,” Cromer said.

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Photo: De Visu (Shutterstock)

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