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Dear, How to Do It,
Last night, I was having sex with my husband and he grabbed both my hands and pinned them to the bed above my head with his hands. Really vanilla position, but it was fantastic and intimate in the moment, then within seconds my right shoulder shuddered and started spasming. He could tell something was wrong, he unpinned both my hands, and we were able to finish, but it wasn’t as enjoyable. Have you heard of this happening before? If so is there a way to deal with it? I can’t see myself having a face-to-face discussion with a chiropractor about this.
—Can’t Pin Me Down
Dear, Can’t Pin Me Down,
Yes, not only have I heard of body parts reacting poorly to being suddenly pinned down in an extreme way, but I’ve experienced it myself. If you want to see a chiropractor, I mean, it’s your body, but I’d suggest a physical therapist first. As for having a face-to-face discussion, if you’re really too embarrassed to tell the full story of what happened, you can simply say you laid on your shoulder funny with your arm up. Ideally, you briefly explain the whole truth (my partner pressed my arm into the bed with it lifted above my head) but if shame is going to prevent you from getting care then go with the workaround.
That said, thinking back on appointments I’ve had with these kinds of professionals, they really just want to know what hurts and walk you through some tests to determine what’s going on—there’s no need for the gory details of how it started hurting.
Dear, How to Do It,
I’m a man (47) married to my wife (47 F) for 20 years and before that we dated for three years. She is the love of my life and the only person I have ever slept with. For many years, our sex life was great. She had a higher sex drive than I did, and we would have sex two to three times a week. She would be the person to initiate it many times when we first started our relationship and be frustrated with me if I didn’t want to have sex with her. At that time, I would say I was comfortable with one to two times a week. We were not into exploring many things (she doesn’t like toys) but she always made me feel like I was doing a great job and caring for her needs.
When we decided to try to have kids, our sex was even more fun because we were doing it with a purpose now. After our first son was born about 11 years ago things understandably slowed down a little, but after a few months, we reached a frequency I was comfortable with. We were having sex about one to two times a week, and we had a second child a couple of years later. After that, we started to have less sex or the one time a week only happened if I initiated and expressed some frustration that I missed intimacy with her a lot. We talked a little, and mostly she was very tired and exhausted after a long day at work and the kids. I was tired too but didn’t want to miss the chance to kiss and hug her.
In the last three years, I have started getting resentful because I have tried to talk to her and express my feelings while trying to reassure I care about her too. We are having even less sex. We can easily go a month without having sex. I recently asked her and she told me that it now hurts her sometimes and for the most part, she doesn’t have interest anymore. After this last conversation, I’m feeling pretty devastated because I miss more intimacy with her and of course, I don’t want her to feel like I’m forcing her. I don’t want her to feel pressured to have sex with me.
I told her I was open to anything she wanted to do that could include touching and passionate kisses, and that I actually miss any form of intimacy with her. She can be very stubborn and told me that it was my fault that I could not control my desire (for her). We are old now and women slow down when they get older and men don’t. Just seeing her naked in the shower makes me just want to jump in the shower with her. What can I do to show her how much I miss her touch? I don’t want to think about going without it. We are getting older but I want to get older with her and be a sexually active older couple. I know I probably need to see a therapist for this but I’m also not comfortable talking to anyone about this yet. And I don’t want to feel I’m an asshole because I’m putting this pressure on her.
—Not Done in Bed Yet
Dear, Not Done in Bed Yet,
You’re not entirely correct when you say that “women slow down when they get older and men don’t.” This may possibly be true as a broad generalization, but we’ve heard from women over the years who are much older than your wife and frustrated that their husbands have no interest in keeping up sexually with them.
You say you’re open to anything and miss any form of intimacy, but the only specifics you mention are pretty far toward the sexual end of the sexual-sensual continuum. So, before you approach your wife again, do some real introspection about whether you actually mean it when you say you’d be happy with nonsexual intimacy like hugs and kisses that lead to nothing more. My gut says you’re lying to yourself because you know that demanding sex from your wife is not a Good Guy™ thing to do, but putting aside your concern with being “good” can help you be honest, and that honesty is likely to resonate better with your wife than what you’ve written here, which is contradictory.
The best way to avoid feeling like an asshole for pressuring your partner is to, well, not pressure your partner. You say you want to have sex when it’s comfortable for both you and your wife. She’s told you sex often hurts her, and that she’s not interested. It seems like you’re hoping something will magically change on her end, and that isn’t the case. You might consider asking your wife whether she’s interested in ways to reduce or prevent the pain she feels. If she’s open to that idea, research experts and options yourself. I want to do some expectation management here though—the state of women’s reproductive health is pretty dismal, so there may not actually be a solution out there that works for her, or it may take a very long time to find one.
You’re correct, a therapist can help you sort through a lot of the things I’ve pointed out today and all the other struggles you might’ve left out of your letter. If you can get comfortable with the idea, it wouldn’t hurt to seek out a sex-positive therapist.
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