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Dear Prudence,
I’m a teacher, and I spend a lot of time with my co-workers. Everyone is very family-oriented and loves kids, so usually when people get married, it’s not uncommon for a teacher to ask something along the lines of: When are you going to have a baby? I very naively thought that it would be easy for us to get pregnant since we have no health issues. Therefore, I told a few work friends that we were starting the process of trying, and when they would ask how it was going, even though I was starting to get frustrated, I would still make some jokes like, “Winter break is coming—maybe we’ll get a little Christmas surprise!”
Unfortunately, now it’s been almost two years with no results. We have started to go to fertility clinics and recently found out that my husband’s sperm production is the cause of our infertility. I choose not to share this medical information with my coworkers because it’s so personal. However, I am still getting barraged by teachers giving me all this advice about what I can do to prepare my body for pregnancy. This is even more difficult to hear since I know that it’s not my body that is the problem, but I would never tell them that. They still come up to me all the time to ask me if I’m pregnant and whether I have any news.
I’ve personally been struggling with some depression due to this, so I usually just put on a happy face and say, “No news yet. I’ll make an announcement when there’s some news to be shared.” What I really want to say is, “Will you please stop asking about my reproductive health?” But that’s very rude, especially since I’m the one who opened the door to this side of my life. How do I firmly yet politely say to some of the more well-wishing teachers that this is a topic that I just do not wish to discuss anymore?
—No Baby News Yet
Dear No Baby News,
Your fellow teachers have apparently not gotten the memo yet that it’s 2024 and constantly asking questions about whether someone else is or wants to be pregnant is totally intrusive! But let’s deal with your reality: You may have opened the door for their comments by mentioning you are trying to get pregnant. Still, that doesn’t give them the right to follow up constantly. So many people struggle with infertility—even Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz and his wife have talked openly about their difficulties!—it’s really time to get with the program. You don’t want to be rude, but I think you just have to say, maybe when you are in the teachers’ lounge with a group or at lunch: “I know I mentioned that we were trying for a baby, but we’re taking a break, so it would be great if you didn’t bring it up, as it’s sensitive right now.” That’s not rude. It’s taking care of yourself and your mental health.
That said, I am also concerned about how you’re casting blame for your infertility. Why was it important for Prudie to know that the issue is on your husband’s side? You say it’s “not your body that’s the problem.” Ouch. Imagine if the primary struggle with getting pregnant was on you, and that’s how your husband described it. It takes two (or at least a sperm and an egg) to get pregnant; your infertility is a shared struggle. I suggest you start thinking that way instead of blaming your partner for something outside of his control.
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