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‘I’ll have to pass’: Why etiquette experts say it’s OK to decline plans without making excuses

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In these inflationary times, the price of friendship has gone up. As your social calendar fills up this summer, you may be looking at the brunches and parties and group trips and wondering how on Earth you can afford all of it.

And if you find yourself with a smaller budget than those in your social circle, things can get awkward, either because you feel pressured to overspend to maintain a connection with your richer friends or because you’re unsure how to handle or repay their generosity.

Etiquette experts say there’s more than one way to navigate these dynamics, but generally agree on one thing: Whether it’s a destination wedding or just a fancy dinner, you are under no obligation to go if it will hurt your budget. And you don’t have to make excuses either.

“If I don’t want to attend an event, I just say, ’I appreciate the invitation, but I’ll have to pass,” says Diane Gottsman, a national etiquette expert and founder of the Protocol School of Texas. “I might say I have an early morning tomorrow. But it could be an early morning because I have to brush my teeth.”

If an invitation is too expensive, offer alternatives

Etiquette and financial experts alike approve of a social trend that emerged on TikTok known as “loud budgeting.” The gist is that, as budgets tighten, more and more people are feeling comfortable setting boundaries with the people in their life about what they can and can’t afford.

A loud budgeter might turn down an invitation to a fancy restaurant by saying, “Sorry, I only have $30 left in my food budget for the month.”

While that kind of communication may be appropriate between close friends, you needn’t even go that far, says Thomas Farley, an etiquette expert and keynote speaker known as Mister Manners. “You don’t need to give some hard-driving rationale for why you can’t make it, whether that’s money or some sort of conflict,” he says.

If it’s an opulent destination wedding that’s out of your price range, you’re fine sending your regrets along with a gift off the registry, Gottsman says. If it’s a luxury trip, you may say you can’t swing it this year, that you just made another major purchase, or that you simply don’t have room in your schedule. No need to go into specifics.

“You simply don’t have to take every invitation that’s offered to you,” she says.

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https://www.cnbc.com/2024/06/26/etiquette-expert-its-ok-to-decline-expensive-plans-without-an-excuse.html?utm_source=pocket_discover_self-improvement

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PMDD Is a Menstrual Disorder Much More Severe than PMS

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For the most part, Cori Lint was happy.

She worked days as a software engineer and nights as a part-time cellist, filling her free hours with inline skating and gardening, and long talks with friends. But a few days a month, Lint’s mood would tank. Panic attacks came on suddenly. Suicidal thoughts did, too.

She had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but Lint, 34, who splits her time between St. Petersburg, Florida, and Tulsa, Oklahoma, struggled to understand her experience, a rift so extreme she felt like two different people.

“When I felt better, it was like I was looking back at the experience of someone else, and that was incredibly confusing,” Lint said.

Then, in 2022, clarity pierced through. Her symptoms, she realized, were cyclical. Lint recognized a pattern in something her doctors hadn’t considered: her period.

For decades, a lack of investment in women’s health has created gaps in medicine. The problem is so prevalent that, this year, President Joe Biden signed an executive order to advance women’s health research and innovation.

Women are less likely than men to get early diagnoses for conditions from heart disease to cancer, studies have found, and they are more likely to have their medical concerns dismissed or misdiagnosed. Because disorders specifically affecting women have long been understudied, much remains unknown about causes and treatments.

That’s especially true when it comes to the effects of menstruation on mental health.

When Lint turned to the internet for answers, she learned about a debilitating condition at the intersection of mental and reproductive health.

Sounds like me, she thought.

What Is PMDD?

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder, or PMDD, is a negative reaction in the brain to natural hormonal changes in the week or two before a menstrual period. Symptoms are severe and can include irritability, anxiety, depression, and sudden mood swings. Others include fatigue, joint and muscle pain, and changes to appetite and sleep patterns, with symptoms improving once bleeding begins.

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PMDD is a negative reaction in the brain to natural hormonal changes in the week or two before a menstrual period. coldsnowstorm/Getty Images

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https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/pmdd-is-a-menstrual-disorder-much-more-severe-than-pms/

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Did the media botch the Biden age story?

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Clueless or complicit.

That’s Ted Cruz’s take on the media’s coverage of Joe Biden’s age and mental acuity, which came under scrutiny after the president publicly unraveled in last week’s debate.

On Monday, the Republican senator from Texas tweeted to me: “There are only two options: (1) the Dems & their media shills were so clueless that they had no idea that Biden is mentally incompetent, or (2) they KNEW & they deliberately LIED about it. Both are damning. I vote #2.”

Cruz isn’t the only one taking aim at the media after the debate.

Right-wing commentators are imagining that news outlets covered up Biden’s frailty for years. Some on the left are asserting that the White House press corps should have probed Biden’s health more closely, which could have prompted a fuller primary process. Journalists (including the one writing this column) are doing some reassessing of their own, asking if the clearly aging 81-year-old president was given the benefit of the doubt too many times.

But I’m sorry, Ted Cruz, there are more than two options.

And after talking to top reporters on the White House beat, what emerges is a far more nuanced picture.

The national media wasn’t dodging the story: The biggest newspapers in the country published lengthy stories about Biden’s mental fitness. The public wasn’t in the dark about Biden’s age: Most voters (67 percent in a June Gallup poll) thought he was too old to be president even before the debate. But questions about Biden’s fitness for office were not emphasized as much as they should have been.

That’s the third option: The stories should have been tougher, the volume should have been louder.

“The hard thing about ‘Biden is old’ as a story is that it had a dead-end quality to it,” said Charlotte Alter, senior correspondent for Time magazine. “Biden is old. We know. So now what? You can’t turn back time. You can’t make him younger.”

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President Joe Biden walks offstage after the presidential debate. Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

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Click the link below for the article:

https://www.vox.com/politics/358877/biden-age-debate-media-coverage?utm_source=pocket_discover_parenting

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Missed News 558A

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When Nature Gives Up Her Secrets

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Science is by nature an iterative process. For every question a scientist might answer, more questions arise. The results of these investigations guide us, step by inquisitive step, to a deeper awareness of our universe. 

But some lines of inquiry do more. They provide a path toward unraveling the most profound mysteries we can imagine: the emergence of consciousness, the search for life on Earth-like planets, and the creation of programmable matter.

Every two years, The Kavli Prize is awarded to scientists whose work has transformed the fields of neuroscience, nanoscience, or astrophysics. We asked three of this year’s prize winners about those eureka moments, when nature reveals a tightly held secret. Their tales highlight their persistence and boldness in venturing into uncharted territory, and those rare flashes of insight when answers are glimpsed that forever alter our understanding of the world.

Co-recipient of the 2024 Kavli Prize in Astrophysics: Sara Seager, Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Sara Seager shared The Kavli Prize in Astrophysics with David Charbonneau, finding and characterizing exoplanets—those that orbit stars other than our Sun—and their atmospheres. Fresh out of graduate school at Harvard, where she modeled the atmospheres of giant “hot Jupiter” exoplanets, Seager realized that by observing Earth-like exoplanets that passed in front of a star, or “transits,” astronomers could reveal chemicals in the atmosphere that were potential signs of life. 

I have this ability to focus with intense persistence. I credit my autism with that. When I was finishing my thesis, I became obsessed with transiting planets. Something deep inside me told me transits were going to be what moved the field forward. 

I started working on this idea that when a planet moves in front of its star, the starlight will filter through the planet’s atmosphere—and that the spectral features of the atmosphere’s gases would then be imprinted on the starlight. The gist of it is that we can look for the wavelength where the transiting planet appears the tiniest bit bigger—because its atmosphere is strongly absorbing and so it blocks out a little more of the starlight. We can then map out which atoms or molecules are responsible. 

I suggested looking for sodium, the gas found in streetlights. At the temperatures of these hot Jupiters, sodium absorbs very strongly at visible wavelengths. So, like a skunk spray, even tiny amounts produce a huge signal. 

When I found out that Dave Charbonneau had discovered the first transiting planet, I dropped everything, so I could get my paper out the door. My theory about using transit transmission to study exoplanet atmospheres was no longer a random idea for the future—it was an idea for now. 

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Prize winning flashes of insight that have moved the needle in the fields of neuroscience, nanotechnology, and astronomy. vchal/Getty Images

 

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Click the link below for the article:

https://www.scientificamerican.com/custom-media/kavli-foundation/when-nature-gives-up-her-secrets/

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We deserve a more nuanced conversation about working moms

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This spring, a European study came out with the provocative conclusion that having children contributes “little to nothing” to the persistent gap in earnings between men and women.

The study caught my attention because I know the threat of earning less as a parent has had a chilling effect on people in my generation considering starting families. Last year, while I was reporting on motherhood dread in the US, young women told me they feared having kids would mean they’d be penalized in the workplace, affecting their financial security and opportunities. Meanwhile, the media does little to allay that concern: “One of the worst career moves a woman can make is to have children,” the New York Times once declared.

But while these economists found that Danish women who used in vitro fertilization experienced a large earnings penalty right after the birth of their first child, over the course of their careers, this penalty faded out. Eventually, the mothers even benefitted from a child premium compared to women who were not initially successful with IVF.

In other words, the so-called “motherhood penalty” that says women pay a price in the workplace for becoming moms might be less severe than previously thought.

“As children grow older and demand less care, we see that the mother’s earnings start to recover, with much of the immediate penalties made up 10 years after the birth of the first child,” the researchers wrote.

What makes this new European research so notable is that it relies on the same high-quality data that has informed previous studies on the motherhood penalty (including one Vox covered in 2018) but used an even broader sample and an approach the authors argue is better suited for long-term conclusions.

This wasn’t the first time I’d seen research that complicates our understanding of the motherhood penalty. After the essay on motherhood dread was published, I heard from Sharon Sassler, a Cornell University sociologist who studies relationships and gender.

She had recently published a paper on gender wage gaps in the computer science field and found that mothers in computer science actually earned more than childless women (though this “wage premium” was significantly less than what fathers earned).

“It was difficult for me to find a home for the attached article because reviewers cannot fathom that mothers might out-earn single women, though there is a growing body of evidence that [they] do,” she wrote in her email to me. “It might be selection [bias] … but given that folks have found this across disciplines suggests that the motherhood penalty really needs to be reassessed.”

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https://platform.vox.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/chorus/uploads/chorus_asset/file/22363629/GettyImages_1228407372.jpg?quality=90&strip=all&crop=0%2C0%2C100%2C100&w=1920Tiffany Hagler-Geard/Bloomberg/Getty Images

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Click the link below for the article:

https://www.vox.com/policy/358808/moms-motherhood-penalty-work-childcare?utm_source=pocket_discover_parenting

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Popcorn, the Ultimate Snack, May Have Truly Ancient Origins

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You have to wonder how people originally figured out how to eat some foods that are beloved today. The cassava plant is toxic if not carefully processed through multiple steps. Yogurt is basically old milk that’s been around for a while and contaminated with bacteria. And who discovered that popcorn could be a toasty, tasty treat?

These kinds of food mysteries are pretty hard to solve. Archaeology depends on solid remains to figure out what happened in the past, especially for people who didn’t use any sort of writing. Unfortunately, most stuff people traditionally used made from wood, animal materials or cloth decays pretty quickly, and archaeologists like me never find it.

We have lots of evidence of hard stuff, such as pottery and stone tools, but softer things – such as leftovers from a meal – are much harder to find. Sometimes we get lucky, if softer stuff is found in very dry places that preserve it. Also, if stuff gets burned, it can last a very long time.

Corn’s ancestors

Luckily, corn – also called maize – has some hard parts, such as the kernel shell. They’re the bits at the bottom of the popcorn bowl that get caught in your teeth. And since you have to heat maize to make it edible, sometimes it got burned, and archaeologists find evidence that way. Most interesting of all, some plants, including maize, contain tiny, rock-like fragments called phytoliths that can last for thousands of years.

Scientists are pretty sure they know how old maize is. We know maize was probably first farmed by Native Americans in what is now Mexico. Early farmers there domesticated maize from a kind of grass called teosinte.

Before farming, people would gather wild teosinte and eat the seeds, which contained a lot of starch, a carbohydrate like you’d find in bread or pasta. They would pick teosinte with the largest seeds and eventually started weeding and planting it. Over time, the wild plant developed into something like what we call maize today. You can tell maize from teosinte by its larger kernels.

There’s evidence of maize farming from dry caves in Mexico as early as 9,000 years ago. From there, maize farming spread throughout North and South America.

Popped corn, preserved food

Figuring out when people started making popcorn is harder. There are several types of maize, most of which will pop if heated, but one variety, actually called “popcorn,” makes the best popcorn. Scientists have discovered phytoliths from Peru, as well as burned kernels, of this type of “poppable” maize from as early as 6,700 years ago.

You can imagine that popping maize kernels was first discovered by accident. Some maize probably fell into a cooking fire, and whoever was nearby figured out that this was a handy new way of preparing the food. Popped maize would last a long time and was easy to make.

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Click the link below for the article:

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/popcorn-the-ultimate-snack-may-have-truly-ancient-origins/

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Should Parents Gas Each Other Up More?

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Is building up your co-parent in the eyes of your children part of being a good parent? This question had not occurred to me until recently. Over the past year, as my older son has become a teen, my husband has made it a habit to build me up in my children’s esteem. “Isn’t Mom the best?” he will ask them, rhetorically, when I do ordinary acts of parental service like buying someone new shoes or driving someone somewhere they need to go. “Be nice to Mom!” he will remonstrate when either child tries to give me an attitude.

You might assume that this has pleased me a great deal, but in truth, I haven’t always known what to think about it. At first, I felt ambivalent, like it was playing into a vaguely patriarchal form of mother-worship, “angel of the hearth” and all that. I also felt uncertain when my husband praised me around our sons because I knew I wasn’t returning the favor for him.

When I think about why I was hesitant to gas up my husband around my children, it’s not at all because he didn’t deserve it. It’s because I never witnessed this kind of behavior among adults when I was growing up, and it didn’t feel natural to me. My parents split up when I was young, and they were effortfully amicable, but the dramas of their own lives absorbed them, and they rarely appeared to make deliberate choices about how they communicated to me about each other. What I mostly watched them do, when I was young, was cope.

Meanwhile, I was highly skeptical of all adults. I assumed adult behavior was always in service of a selfish agenda. If either of my parents had ever praised the other to me, I would have suspected something horrible was about to happen — that one of them was on the verge of a nervous breakdown or was about to make a dreadful announcement that would seriously complicate my life. The possibility of thinking, “Dad’s right — Mom really is the best, and I should remember to treat her that way,” was nowhere near my repertoire of possible experiences.

But much to my amazement, my husband’s remarks have made a noticeable difference, and our children have started treating me with more consideration. They thank me often and ask me how my day was. They sincerely appear to see me more clearly as a person who works hard to give them a happy life. It is astonishing to me that all my husband had to do was explain this to them, and remind them to notice it, and they did. I had no idea it could work that simply.

Gassing up your co-parent in front of your children is a loaded act in this era where domestic equality is contested on a granular daily basis, to the degree that who replaces the toilet-paper roll can be a meaningful piece of evidence in a case for who is and is not showing up. If you’re trying to untangle your home life from the norms and expectations that have gagged and bound mothers for centuries, it might seem counterintuitive to make a habit out of shouting out your partner. But creating an equitable home can be counterintuitive in many ways — some of our intuition is, after all, steeped in centuries of bad compromises. I think part of me was equating spousal praise with compensation for unfair labor. But I’ve realized that praise can be as much in the service of equality as in the reinforcement of outmoded roles.

There are so many ways of developing a political consciousness in children that are little more than glorified consumer choices — Little Feminist board books, anyone? —  but teaching by example is what we all aspire to do. A political consciousness begins with noticing the gears that make community work, and I wonder if praising your co-parent is a way of revealing some of that to children, by teaching them to show gratitude for what sustains them. Could praising our co-parents actually, on a micro level, be a political act?

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https://pyxis.nymag.com/v1/imgs/781/f93/337b8caf0f85ec57ca17ddbbcec7da40a1-praising-coparent.rhorizontal.w700.jpgIllustration: Hannah Buckman

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Click the link below for the article:

https://www.thecut.com/article/why-co-parents-should-praise-each-other.html?utm_source=pocket_discover_parenting

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