James' World 2

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A Failure to Communicate

I work in a small, close-knit, diverse team in a large health care organization. We have worked well together for years and have occasionally, and happily, socialized together outside of work. Recently there has been a marked cooling between two of my colleagues. They had a scuffle over an office-related issue (parking), which probably would not have been a big deal, but then one of them (P) trash talked the other (Q) in Spanish to another Spanish-speaking colleague. The issue is that this happened right in front of Q, who understands Spanish, which was not known by P. I want to tell P that Q understands Spanish. I worry more will be said in this way, leading to more hard feelings. Is it OK to lean in like this?

— Anonymous

This feels a little like an “A-story” in an NBC sitcom. (I’d call the episode “Mind Your P’s and Q’s.”) In fact, when I ran your question by my editor, his response was: “Love in-office fighting!” I love it as well … when I’m not the subject of it, of course. But I will dispense with the amusement because the reality is this isn’t a situation comedy but a situation — awkward! — and one I’m interested in tackling.

First things first: Parking. You may think it’s not a big deal, but it’s an issue for a fair number of us, and not just in the context of the workplace. (I live in Los Angeles.) Of course, it’s possible, even likely, that the bad vibes that resulted from the parking fracas are evidence of a deeper conflict between your two colleagues. But sometimes a parking space is just a parking space.

A few observations and opinions.

No. 1: That Q understands Spanish heightens the stakes in this scenario, but it’s also secondary. The bigger issue is that P decided it was OK to trash talk a colleague in front of that colleague in the first place.

No. 2: See above. (I can’t stress enough how inappropriate this was.)

Here’s where you come in. You’re wondering whether you should tell P that Q understood what P had to say. I have a few questions for you: Do you worry that more tension will arise if you do tell? Or do you worry that P will continue to trash talk Q because P is unaware that Q understands Spanish? Or is it a little of both? Listen, in a perfect world, P would be horrified and embarrassed to know that Q understood everything. But then again, P felt comfortable enough to trash talk Q in front of Q in the first place. So maybe all bets are off.

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I have another question: How close are you to these two? It sounds like you’re at a bit of a remove because you describe your socialization with P outside of work as being “occasional.” This complicates things, because it may appear (to P) that you’re picking sides in a matter that is actually outside your scope. That said, it couldn’t hurt to give P a quiet heads-up about Q’s literacy in Spanish. You could say something like, “I just wanted you to know that I think Q’s feelings were hurt the other day (week, month, year) when you complained about the parking situation. Q understands Spanish, you know.”

P can take it from there and decide whether to offer Q an apology or keep any complaints private, no matter the lingua franca. As for Q, I don’t think there’s anything you can, or need, to do or say. (In the sitcom version, the stakes are heightened after Q leaves a note that says “Hablo Español” on the windshield of P’s car. Unsigned.)

After all, it happened, and if it happens again, well, Q might be moved to act unprompted, whether in public or in private. I hope this answers your questions. (De nada.)

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Photo illustration by Margeaux Walter for The New York Times

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