James' World 2

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Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I are high school sweethearts and have been together for over 15 years but we are at a serious impasse. Over the years, the last five to seven, he has expressed his desires for more/different sexual experiences. We agreed that he could have a “side piece” as long as certain boundaries were kept. I don’t know if I’ve ever been fully comfortable with this but I don’t want to leave him so I’ve been trying out of love. Every time he finds someone he may be interested in and I get wind of, I LOSE MY MIND. He gets upset because he says we have talked about it and I have agreed and keep changing my mind. I understand that is not fair to him but I have no idea how to proceed. Neither of us wants a divorce but I have no idea how to keep the peace. I get upset and distant and in turn, he feels super guilty and doesn’t end up going through with going to see these girls. He’s fed up and we’re going through a rough patch. Any advice?

Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Staras/iStock/Getty Images Plus.

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(Image credit: Getty Images)

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Have you ever decided not to go for that job promotion because you believe you’re not qualified enough? Or avoided asking a neighbor for help because you feel you’d be a nuisance? Or taken your failure to get what you wanted as confirmation that, yes, your hunch that it was never going to work out was obviously correct? Yep, me too. Pessimistic beliefs like these are common, and they hold you back more than you realize. Perhaps it’s never occurred to you that it’s possible to change these attitudes, let alone how you might go about it. Perhaps you wouldn’t even want to change them even if you could – after all, who wants to be that person who is arrogant enough to think they’re definitely in with a shot for that promotion despite being underqualified, or who doesn’t think twice about making demands on their neighbors, or who approaches their goals with an unwavering confidence in their likelihood of success?

Philosophy and coaching are a perfect – and underexplored – partnership. Doing philosophy involves identifying and challenging hidden assumptions, using analogies to reveal double standards, and exposing dodgy reasoning: all things that are helpful to coaching clients who are burdened with beliefs that get in the way of their success, who are compassionate to everyone but themselves, and who overlook their own errors in reasoning because they are too busy criticizing themselves. Often, too, the thoughts of philosophers – including René Descartes and the other thinkers that I’m going to mention here – find fresh application in providing a helpful new perspective on the difficulties that many of us face every day.

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Rising, Falling, Clinging, Flying (equilibrium) (detail, 1934) by Sophie Taeuber-Arp. Courtesy Kunstmuseum Basel

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Common signs of a sociopath

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Boris Zhitkov | Getty

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America’s children are not doing great. In August, the New York Times published “The Inner Pandemic,” a multipart project on adolescent mental health, which has reached crisis levels. In addition to higher rates of anxiety and depression, suicides have been increasing since 2007, passing homicide as the second-leading cause of death for those ages 10 to 24.

Because the youth mental-health crisis has been concurrent with certain developments in consumer electronics and internet advertising, commentators have found a convenient scapegoat in technology. In her 2017 book iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy — and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood — and What That Means for the Rest of Us, marketing consultant Jean Twenge blamed the iPhone and social media for a host of social problems in the post-millennial cohort.

But the technology thesis hasn’t performed well under critical examination, as the Times package notes. What possible reason could there be for American young people to be particularly unhappy in the 2020s? It’s hard to see the forest for all the low-hanging fruit: There’s the pandemic that has trapped kids inside with their families, a recipe for unhappiness all around if ever there was one; the rise of right-wing political extremism and rapid advance of various hate groups; and global warming, the imminent end of the world as we know it.

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Photo: Sara Messinger

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When I was seven years old, my father started sleeping on the sofa with a rifle.

We lived in a small Oregon town with a population of only a few thousand. Nestled on a gravel-lined, dead-end street, my childhood home was an idyllic setting to raise a family. To the east, a snow-capped Mt. Hood jutted from the tree-lined horizon. To the west, acres of cow pastures rolled into the distant hills. Everyone on our tiny street knew everyone else, and everyone knew our next-door neighbors hated us. 

Lined up in neat rows along our backyard was a young orchard: spindly trees still too weak to bear fruit, propped up by wooden stakes and thick twine. Looping through the branches and woven between the trees was a series of tripwires adorned with silver Christmas bells. My father told me he put them up to keep the deer from eating our apples. That also explained the rifle, I thought. My dad wanted to protect us.

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Illustrations by Anson Chan

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I’ve been with my wife, Chelsea, for 15 years, married for 12. She is a wonderful person and a great wife. However, I’ve fallen in love with someone else. I met Beth two years ago when our companies worked together on a project for 6 months and we hit it off. Not only did we work great together but we formed a fast friendship. We have a similar sense of humor and a lot of the same interests and passions. We also have a similar background as children of military parents and bonded over moving all the time and base life. Over time, I found myself developing feelings for her. At first, I thought it was just friendly feelings, but they kept getting stronger until I realized I was falling in love with her. I can’t remember ever feeling this way with my wife, not even when we were first dating.

Beth and I haven’t crossed any lines, not in word or deed (and only in my mind to my knowledge). We don’t have inappropriate conversations or text messages. There are no conversations or text messages between us that I would hide from my wife. I don’t know if Beth has feelings for me like I do for her but I can’t stop thinking about her and wanting to be with her. I decreased the time we spent together or talked for a while but it did nothing to lessen my feelings. Whenever I am somewhere with Chelsea, I think about how I wish Beth was there, or how much Beth would like something. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt my Chelsea, but if I am able to develop strong feelings for someone else, doesn’t that mean that I am with the wrong person? Even if Beth doesn’t return my feelings, isn’t it wrong to stay with Chelsea, knowing I don’t love her like I am able to love someone else? What should I do?

—Conflicted in CT

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Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by fizkes/iStock/Getty Images Plus

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All of the following were involved in scandals of some kind, mostly sex!

They get that look!

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