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Almost from the time my daughter Elizabeth could speak in sentences, she whined when she didn’t get what she wanted: my attention, a snack, a repair job on a faulty toy. When she turned 3—and suddenly seemed like such a “big girl”—her continued whining started to drive me crazy. I’d mutter angrily under my breath, clench my teeth, and even whine back. Once, I even lost control and yelled so vehemently that she burst into tears. But more often than not, I’d just give in to whatever she wanted, simply to make the shrill sound stop.

Like nails on a chalkboard, whining—an irritating blend of talking and crying—has the ability to make almost any parent either lose their temper or cave. And preschoolers are pretty smart. They know that pleading in that pitch gets a strong reaction from their parents, and if whining has worked in the past, they’ll be even more likely to try it again.

Why Kids Whine

While whining may seem like manipulation, it’s often more helpful to consider why kids whine in the first place. A whiny child isn’t being annoying or spoiled deliberately. Whining is usually the default way that young kids can express themselves when they’re tired, cranky, hungry, uncomfortable, or just don’t want to do something.

Although 3- and 4-year-olds’ language skills are rapidly improving, they still don’t have the vocabulary to describe all of these feelings, explains Michele Borba, EdD, author of Parents Do Make a Difference.

What Not to Do When Your Child Whines

Even when a child can articulate that they’re hungry for lunch or hate sitting in the car seat, they might still whine—because they’ve learned that whining gets your attention. “For 3- and 4-year-olds who are testing the limits of their independence, whining makes them feel very powerful,” says psychologist Carolyn Crowder, PhD, co-author of Whining: 3 Steps to Stopping It Before the Tears and Tantrums Start.

“If you can’t stand whining, your child will do it even more, simply because it gets a reaction,” agrees Jane Nelsen, EdD, co-author of Positive Discipline for Preschoolers. Even scolding can reinforce the behavior. “Kids just want a response. When they don’t know how to get a positive response, they’ll go for a negative one,” Nelsen explains. And needless to say, giving in (“OK, you can have one piece of candy, but promise you’ll eat your lunch?”) doesn’t work either. You might get a respite from the whining, but you’ll perpetuate the problem.

5 Ways to Tackle Whining

Fortunately, you can break this pattern—in a way that encourages your child’s development rather than punishes them. “When you stop getting frustrated by the whining, your child will stop too,” insists Nelsen. At first, this laissez-faire approach seemed completely unrealistic to me. But because my daughter was a whine connoisseur, I decided to try it.

It wasn’t easy—often I was tempted to yell or just give her what she wanted—but I was determined to be firm and consistent. “You have to exercise a lot of self-control,” acknowledges Dr. Crowder. But remember: You’re asking your child to do the same.

To my amazement, within a few weeks, Elizabeth had gotten into the habit of asking nicely instead of nagging. To help turn your whining experiences around in a similar way, here are five strategies you can try next time the whine comes to town.

1. Refuse to let it bother you

Pick a calm, quiet time to tell your child that there’s a new rule: If they whine, you won’t respond.

“From then on, whenever they whine, keep your facial expression absolutely neutral,” Borba says. Calmly remind them that you’re there to listen and help when they use their regular voice.

You might even work together to choose a gentle signal you can give when you notice whining creeping in—like tugging on your ear, suggests Nelsen.

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