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Are kids really better for dads in heterosexual relationships—or one parent, more generally? 

Some dads on social media think so, and a TikToker has some rather direct words for them. According to the TikToker, some fathers claim it’s because they’re way better at enforcing boundaries, and she 20/10 has a different idea.

“For most of us, it’s not the case,” says Jenna, who posts as @ifitwerentfunny on TikTok and has more than 57K followers. “The real reason is because you’re not that child’s emotional well. The mother is.”

The mom gets very blunt in the video. Does she have a point, though?

“I do think that in two-parent—or more—households, one parent is seen by each child to be the emotional anchor—the person with which they have the strongest emotional bond,” explains Crystal Britt, LCSW, a therapist and co-host of the Time to Lean podcast. “This puts a lot of weight onto that parent if the other parent isn’t mindful of trying to participate in this emotional work as well. The result is one parent thinking kids are ‘easy,’ and the other parent is ‘lazy’ or ‘soft on boundaries.’”

Experts dig deeper into the truth and what parents can do to even the load.

The Idea That Kids Are ‘Easier’ for Dads

Jenna was inspired by other videos posted by fathers, claiming, “When we’re with the kids, and they’re gone, it’s easy as hell.”

The fathers have a theory: They’re better with boundaries than their wives. Jenna has another one, saying, “You’re just not the person that the child has been literally and figuratively tethered to their entire life.”

Jenna is speaking to a specific audience of cis-heterosexual couples. But that’s not to say it can’t apply more broadly to couples whose child has been figuratively—emotionally—tethered to one parent. Regardless of your situation, Jenna suggests testing it if you feel this applies to you.

She suggests asking yourself: When your partner walks into the door, does your child run over and scream “Mommy, mommy?” (Or whatever they commonly call your partner.)

Do the vibes change when that “emotional well” of a parent walks through the door? “That’s because their person just walked into the room, and we’re hardest on our people,” Jenna says.

Instead of asking, “Why are my kids so much easier for me?” Jenna recommends people ask, “What can I do to meet the emotional needs of my kids so I can take some of that off my partner’s plate?”

Of course, this isn’t the case in every heterosexual household.

“While this is not the case in every family, in many families, mothers report that they take on the bulk of the parenting load,” says Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, PMH-C, a psychologist specializing in perinatal mental health and co-founder of Phoenix Health.

Why Kids May Seem ‘Worse’ for One Parent

Zishan Khan, MD, is aware of reports that children act differently with one parent, and that mothers often bear the brunt of less desirable behaviors. He concedes it’s frustrating but explains there is a psychological reason for it. 

“Children tend to show their full range of emotions with the person they feel most secure with because they trust that this person will love them unconditionally, no matter how they behave,” says Dr. Khan, a board-certified child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist with Mindpath Health. “Therefore, mothers, who often take on the role of the primary caregiver, naturally become the emotional regulators for their children.”

Young kids, in particular, lack the ability to process and regulate emotions fully.1

“Therefore, they ‘offload’ their stress, frustrations, and anxieties onto the parent they’re most emotionally connected to,” Dr. Khan says. “This isn’t a sign that something is wrong—it’s a sign of a strong attachment.”

In other words, Jenna has a point—and, weirdly, it’s a compliment.

“Parents should remember that if their child acts out more with one of the parents, they should try and take it as a sign of deep trust, not failure,” Dr. Khan says, adding, “This doesn’t change the fact that it can make parenting feel disproportionately difficult for the parent in that role.”

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