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We live in a world that seems to get busier and busier! Not only do we have our daily work tasks, but we also have more meetings, longer commutes, and more interactions with more people in more locations than at any time in the history of work.
In addition to the many real and present external distractions, there are also internal obstacles to great listening. Our internal worlds can be loud. At times, they are a blaring noise of emotion, attitude, and motives that can make it impossible for us to give others our full attention.
As two positive psychology experts, we’ve identified six of the most common internal barriers that can interfere with your ability to listen well, and developed a framework of six “radical listening” skills that can help you have better conversations and build better relationships.
Six barriers that prevent you from listening well:
1. Comparing: “It happened to me!”
Sometimes, the topic of a conversation seems to invite you to share your own, similar experiences. Rather than appreciating the speaker’s experiences, you are mentally reminiscing and preparing to offer your own carefully chosen anecdote—that time that you scheduled a business meeting in a dim sum restaurant where the waiting staff interrupted every couple of minutes to offer you some delicious delicacies. We call this comparing. What is it they are implicitly asking for in the conversation? It might be admiration from you, an acknowledgment of their enthusiasm, or a bit of respect for their work.
2. Competing: “That’s nothing—I have had it much tougher than that!”
People are social creatures and it is common for friends and colleagues to share challenges they are experiencing. An office mate might say “I’m really struggling to get through my emails! I have over 200 unread emails sitting in my inbox!” It is easy to assume that they are looking for some sympathy or perhaps some ideas for dealing with the overwhelm. Instead of offering either of these, however, you respond, “Just 200? I have over 1,000 emails that I need to respond to!” We call this competing. Again, there is nothing wrong with sharing your own experience, but it runs the risk of appearing unsympathetic, self absorbed, or checked-out.
3. Mind reading: “I know what you’re going to say.”
Can you think of any recent interactions in which you were pretty sure what was going to happen even before the conversation took place? This is called mind-reading. This bias—even if it was rooted in experience—interfered with our ability to engage positively with the team. Mind-reading runs the risk of focusing on your own assumptions rather than the views and interests of others. Unless you are actually a mind reader, believing that you know what other people will say becomes a barrier to genuinely listening.
4. Unsolicited advice: “If I were in your shoes . . .”
A leader of a team in another department confides in you how difficult it is for them to take a vacation and totally unplug from work. This is an instance that calls for optimal support matching. Rather than breaking out the toolbox, it is wiser to listen to what is being asked for. It might be that your colleague would appreciate some suggestions. Or, it may be that they just want someone to commiserate with them. Whatever the case, one thing is certain: If you are busy giving unsolicited advice—attempting to solve another person’s problem—while they are talking to you, then you are not listening.
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[Photos: ugguggu/Adobe Stock; LanaSham/Adobe Stock]
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James' World 2 
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