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Dear Care and Feeding,
A few weeks ago, my wife “Stella” and I left our 3-year-old son “Alex” with my parents for a few days while we went out of town on business. We have left him with my mom and dad on prior occasions and everything went fine. This time, however, my dad did something that enraged my wife. When we came to pick Alex up, the first thing we saw was that his previously shoulder-length hair was gone: He had a buzz cut.
Stella demanded to know why they’d cut his hair without our permission. My dad told her that they had been at the park when some kids asked Alex if he was a boy or a girl, and it upset him. He said that afterward, he asked Alex if he would like to have his hair cut so people wouldn’t mistake him for a girl anymore, and that Alex said yes. So they went to the barber shop my dad uses and had it cut. My wife lambasted him and my mother, loaded Alex into the car, and made us leave immediately.
Nearly a month later, Stella is still outraged over Alex’s new look and is now saying she wants to cut my parents out of our lives for “traumatizing” our son. I’ve talked to Alex about his hair and he doesn’t seem “traumatized” in the least. He says he’s happy that his hair no longer gets in his face and that he doesn’t have to sit still to have it combed out all the time. He truly is fine with it. And it’s not as if my dad decided on his own to have our son’s hair cut without giving him a choice. He asked if he wanted to get it cut, and then he went along with what the kid wanted. I’ve tried to explain this to my wife, but she has no interest in hearing it. Alex has a great relationship with my parents and I’m not willing to blow that up over something so stupid. How can this be resolved when my wife is being so unreasonable?
—Hairy Situation
Dear Hairy,
If you want your parents to remain in your child’s—and your—life, I’d start by knocking off the explaining/defending of your father’s actions. He was wrong. Getting a 3-year-old’s long hair cut off while his parents are away is an act of hostility, even if the child agrees to it when his beloved grandfather suggests it. And yes, even if the 3-year-old says he’s happy now with his buzzcut. The problem is not the hair; it’s the decision-making by a grandparent that undercuts a decision made by a parent. I don’t blame your wife for being furious, and I am 99 percent sure your father knew exactly what he was doing. Your defending him is making matters worse.
If you’d recognized the real reason Stella is so angry and stood up for her instead of minimizing her feelings, I would imagine that, a month later, things would not have escalated to this point. While I don’t believe cutting off contact with Alex’s grandparents is a punishment that fits the hair-cutting crime, I’m not surprised that Stella has reached this conclusion. Your insistence that it was no big deal, your inability or refusal to see this from her point of view, even your enlisting of your child to prove your point—that this is all something “so stupid”—is, I’d wager to say, what angers her more than the inciting incident. Tell your dad he was out of line. Tell Stella you know he was out of line. Apologize profusely to her for being such a jerk about it. And then be patient. This too shall pass.
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Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by buraratn/iStock/Getty Images Plus.
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