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Here’s an example of a text she sent to a friend who was one month postpartum:
Good morning love! I am yours from the hours of 12 to 3 tomorrow so please let me know how you would like to use me. Here are some options:
1. I come while you hang with the baby and I do laundry, bottles, cooking, buy and put away groceries.
2. I come and take care of the baby while you sleep in your room alone or you go do something by yourself or you guys go out to lunch the two of you without the baby.
3. I come and take you out to lunch with or without the baby.
4. And we sit on the couch and just chat or watch a funny movie with the baby.
You can decide whenever you want, just let me know!
The key here is that there are multiple options to choose from, each laid out clearly so the new parent only has to respond with a single number: 1, 2, 3, or 4. Rogers likes to include tasks that someone might be uncomfortable asking of a friend, like doing laundry or washing bottles.
“Everyone’s like, ‘Oh, let me know what you want. Let me know how I can help.’ You’re so far deep in this world of postpartum ‘whatever’ that you don’t even know how to ask someone for something,” she said in her Reel. “Also, there aren’t many people, other than my sisters, that I would ask to be like, ‘Can you just come over and clean?’”
If your friend has another kid, Rogers suggests in the video, you might also offer an option like coming over to hang with the toddler or taking the toddler out of the house while your friend is with the baby. Or you can offer to take care of the baby so your friend gets some one-on-one time with their other child.
This approach is generally going to be more useful to a parent than an open-ended offer like “Let me know how I can help!”
As postpartum educator Amy Spofford commented on Instagram: “Be specific in your offers of help and you will exponentially increase the likelihood they’ll take you up on it and that they’ll really feel the impact and benefit of it. I’ve said, ‘Hey I’m making you dinner this week, Monday or Wednesday, soup or enchiladas?’ They’ll never answer if you say, ‘Let me know if you need anything.’”
Gayane Aramyan is a Los Angeles marriage and family therapist specializing in the postpartum period. She said she “absolutely loves” Rogers’ idea.
“Oftentimes, new moms have a really hard time asking for help, even from loved ones,” Aramyan told HuffPost. “It’s great for people around to offer options and ideas so the new mom can feel more comfortable that their loved one is there to actually help.”
She also suggests having a conversation with your friend before the baby’s arrival to discuss any boundaries they might want to set.
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