James' World 2

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Two conversations, two different outcomes. The first was talking with a plumber about how to run waste lines for a bathroom addition. I thought we should use an existing vent pipe for a washer box that would be abandoned. He thought we should run two new vent pipes.

“I think one of those is overkill,” I said. “I don’t see why it’s necessary.”

He stood up, crossed his arms, and stared at me.

“You saying I don’t know my job?” he said.

The second was talking to a cabinet supplier about trim. She was adamant I only needed crown molding.

“Huh,” I said. “It’s interesting you say that. I was sure you would say I needed starter crown, too.”

She explained why I didn’t. Ceiling height. A wider built-in lip at the top of the cabinet for nailing. A more streamlined profile. I didn’t necessarily agree, but when I said, “I feel sure I’ll end up being wrong… but I think I would like you to include it, just in case,” she laughed and said, “Absolutely. And even though we don’t normally do this, you can return it when you realize I’m right.”

In the first example, I turned a disagreement into an argument by challenging—or at least appearing to challenge—the person’s knowledge and experience. While I didn’t mean to, for him, my choice of words made it personal, and he responded emotionally.

The second is an example of what Amanda Ripley, the author of High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out, calls productive conflict. I could have just said, “Tell me why you feel that way,” but that could have come across as challenging (in both scenarios).

Instead, I reframed disagreement as curiosity. Softening it with words like, “It’s interesting you say that,” and delivering those words with a genuine sense of curiosity, showed I was interested. I was open. I didn’t want to argue. I wanted to learn. She also responded emotionally, but this time in a good way—because I had implicitly shown I respected her (possibly greater) knowledge.

Science backs up that approach. A study published in Cognitive Science found that rather than trying to win an argument, “arguing” to learn makes other people more receptive to your views. As the researchers write:

Participants who engaged in cooperative interactions were less inclined to agree that there was an objective truth about that topic than were those who engaged in a competitive interaction…. When people are in cooperative arguments, they see the truth as more subjective.

In sum, people change their evaluation of truth to be consistent with the goals of their particular argumentative mindset.

Or in non-researcher-speak, challenge me and I’m unlikely to change my mind, even in the face of better evidence. Make me feel you want to learn, though, and I’ll be more open to learning as well. (To quote the eminent philosopher Rocky Balboa, “If I can change, youse can change.”)

Of course, “It’s interesting you say that…” aren’t the only words you can use to avoid making people feel defensive. Here are some other sentence starters Ripley recommends. (Again, you can’t just parrot the words to seem curious—you also have to be curious.)

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Photo: Getty Images

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