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About eight years ago, I was hosting an open house at my Montessori school. Classrooms were buzzing with parents and kids, yet one mother stood out. She was speaking to her 4-year-old son in a performative manner, loudly narrating feelings he may be having as he moved through the room.
“I know you want to have that, but it is in the hands of another child. That makes you sad and frustrated, but I am here to help you,” she said to her child. When she spoke to me, she slipped back into a more natural tone and manner of speaking, her voice coming down a full octave.
In our brief conversation, her words flowed freely, as though they were casual representations of her own internal thought process. When she turned back to her son, however, it was as though she were channeling an adult who hosted a PBS show for children. I found this mother to be both engaging and competent in our interactions, yet slightly off-putting and disingenuous as she interacted with her son. I wondered sincerely why she didn’t allow her son access to her authentic self.
I now realize this mother was an early adopter of parenting scripts, something I had never heard of at the time, though they have now become ubiquitous.
Words matter when talking to kids
The spoken message behind parenting scripts is that parents can optimize how they speak to children, supporting their children’s development and validating their feelings. The unspoken message behind parenting scripts is that much of parents’ reflexive language toward their children is pernicious.
Seemingly innocuous but now verboten phrases include “you’re OK,” “be careful,” “stop it,” “you’re so smart,” and “good job.” These phrases gaslight, dominate, or put children into a fixed mindset, right? While there could be some truth to this — words do matter after all — it may be time to ask what impact this is having on parents. And is it really working for children?
When parents are repeatedly given the message that, left to their own devices, the way they communicate with their children is probably harmful, it invites shame, doubt, and a pervasive feeling that every word out of a parent’s mouth carries with it alarmingly high stakes.
I worry about parents wanting to optimize everything
As parenting scripts gain in popularity, I worry that some parents are buying into the idea that they can optimize the parent-child relationship by becoming less of their authentic selves and more of an “ideal” parent that’s prescriptively laid out to them by an expert whose interaction style may differ wildly from the parents’.
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The author says parenting scripts can harm parent-child relationships. FG Trade Latin/Getty Images
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James' World 2 
Jul 28, 2024 @ 23:34:36
I love gentle parenting –
✨🔆
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Jul 29, 2024 @ 05:25:54
There are always different opinions. Thanks for your comment!
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Jul 29, 2024 @ 05:27:41
Yes! I agree that too ….
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