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When Kaia Roman’s epigenetics business failed in 2014, she spiraled into a depression.
“What would come out of my mouth first was a complaint,” Roman told NBC News. “I wasn’t being a very positive person.”
Roman, who lives in Santa Cruz, California, says she would vent to anyone who would listen — about the traffic, the weather, or anything that inconvenienced her.
A friend recommended she give up complaining for a month, advising that it would help reframe her mind.
Roman, 43, chronicled the experience in her book “The Joy Plan: How I Took 30 Days to Stop Worrying, Quit Complaining, and Find Ridiculous Happiness.”
Now a successful author and school teacher, she says forgoing gripes changed her life in “miraculous” ways.
But she says complaining does have an important purpose — it tells us that something in our lives needs to change.
“But I think we can get stuck there by focusing on what we don’t want instead of on what we do want,” she says.
Why we complain
We complain when we feel there is a significant gap between an expectation and reality, according to Dr. Guy Winch, author of the book “The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships, and Enhance Self-Esteem.”
Complaining is also a bonding mechanism, according to the New York City psychologist.
“Complaints can make us feel like we connect with someone because we have a mutual dissatisfaction about something,” he says.
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We complain when we feel there is a significant gap between an expectation and reality. Alva Skog / for NBC News
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