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You don’t want to, but sometimes you get angry. The reason? Pick one. You don’t feel heard or respected. You’re seeing bad decisions, i.e., not how you would do things, be made. You’re really tired. It might be more honest to cry or say that you’re scared, but you go with yelling, because that comes off as strong. But it’s rarely a winning move, and it’s never what anyone aspires to.
“Who wants to deal with an angry person?,” says Lesli Doares, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Hero Husband: Building a Super Marriage with Truth, Confidence, and Authentic Leadership. “We don’t get angry for the fun of it,” she says.
The problem is often what comes next: shutting down. Instead of talking, you sigh, stare, pace around, thinking that people will just…get that something is wrong. You may shut down because you’re overwhelmed and feeling incapable of dealing with the issue. It may also be a defense mechanism you’ve acquired over the years.
Or it may be because you’ve found that “stonewalling” or the silent treatment has worked in the past. But that’s another of those not-winning moves, and it hinges on having empathetic people around you who are patient enough to bring you back. You realize that’s unfair. Ultimately, you don’t want to retreat and go into isolation. But it’s a difficult habit to break.
“We’re not tigers out wandering the terrain by ourselves,” Doares says. “We need others to survive.”
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It’s a hard habit to fight, especially if it’s one you’ve had for a long time. Here’s where to start.
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