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Traditionally, a new mom’s own mother serves as a sturdy pillar and soft place to land, all wrapped into one. But new data suggests that’s not the case for many. A third of new moms enter motherhood without their mother by their side, according to a report from The Motherless Mothers (TMM) and Peanut, an app connecting people at every stage of parenting.
The findings also suggest that rates of depression and other perinatal mental health conditions are higher in those who are mothering without their mothers because of death, illness, or estrangement.
“Moms usually offer a kind of comfort that’s hard to replace, especially when everything feels new and overwhelming,” says Nona Kocher, MD, MPH, a Miami-based board-certified psychiatrist. “During pregnancy and early motherhood, that kind of support matters more than ever.”
Troublingly, many mothers reported not feeling supported in their struggle, particularly during health care visits. The report says maternal well-being can be helped with one question during check-ups: “Do you have support from your mother or a maternal figure?”
But there are ways for these news moms to find support elsewhere and improve their postpartum experience, experts share.
Why Mothering Without a Mom Can Be So Hard
The worldwide report of more than 2,300 respondents found pronounced effects of mothering without a mother.
- 81% of respondents report having a perinatal mental health condition, which is more than four times the U.S. average of 20%.2
- In particular, motherless mothers in the U.S. are 5.4 times more likely to experience perinatal depression than the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)-reported national average of 12.5%.
- 85% of respondents say that motherhood reopened their grief.
These feelings are understandable—expected even—as mothers are often emotional anchors for their daughters during this transition period, says Kiana Shelton, LCSW, a licensed therapist with Mindpath Health.
“During pregnancy and postpartum, a mother can provide normalization when everything feels uncertain,” Shelton explains. “When that maternal presence is missing, there’s not just a lack of support, but a loss of grounding. This absence can intensify feelings of isolation, anxiety, and identity confusion, all of which can increase the risk of perinatal/postpartum depression.”
Catherine M. Cunningham, MD, the section chief of psychiatry at Hackensack Meridian Ocean University Medical Center, agrees, saying perceived loss or a lack of social support is one of the strongest indicators for postpartum depression. And parenting without a mom leaves a gaping hole for many since mothers often provide instrumental support and emotional scaffolding needed in the postpartum period.
“Instrumental support involves practical help with newborn care, meals, and other household tasks to buffer stress and reduce sleep deprivation,” explains Dr. Cunningham. “Emotional scaffolding includes reassurance and validation, modeling of the maternal caregiver role, and a sense of community and family identity.”
When that maternal presence is missing, there’s not just a lack of support, but a loss of grounding. This absence can intensify feelings of isolation, anxiety, and identity confusion, all of which can increase the risk of perinatal/postpartum depression.
Loss Doesn’t Just Mean Death
Importantly, Peanut and TMM, a registered charity and community for mothers navigating parenthood, define the loss of a mother broadly to include death, illness, distance, and estrangement. The latter is critical to acknowledge, as research shows about 6% of adults are estranged from their mothers.
“Estrangement is different from separation due to death or illness, because it involves a choice, whether from the daughter, the mother, or both,” says Geralyn Fortney, LPC, PMH-C, a licensed professional counselor and regional clinic director with Thriveworks. “With that comes questions, and sometimes guilt, shame, or blame.”
After birth, some may experience a strong desire to reach out to their estranged mother, “even if the person knows that it might not be in their best interest,” says Fortney. “People yearn for that connection, which can be overwhelming.”
As for illness, it presents a gray area that’s significantly challenging for a new mother to navigate, especially if she’s assisting with her parent’s care. “If illness is severe, anticipatory grief may be present as well,” adds Fortney.
Death, of course, is permanent, and Fortney isn’t surprised to learn that the perinatal stage rekindled grief in moms.
“People often think they have ‘moved on,’ but are retriggered by the birth of their child,” Fortney says. “The desire to reach out, to share this milestone, to have their mother present can be overwhelming.”
Unsurprisingly, Moms Aren’t Finding Enough Support
Mothering without a mother figure is challenging enough. But the women who took the new Peanut and TMM survey shared that they aren’t receiving support from people involved in their care. About 74% said their health care providers never asked if they had maternal support, and only half of those who were asked said they received meaningful help.
“The grief of mothering while motherless is rarely acknowledged in our culture,” says Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, PMH-C, psychologist and founder of Phoenix Health. “When a new baby arrives, society focuses its attention on the new baby, not the mother. Our culture also has a lot of discomfort when it comes to grief and family issues.”
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